We've just about been breaking even with the school the way it is,
and now you wanna spend more on marketing?
I don't know about this whole idea.
Burt, for someone who knows a lot about surviving,
you sure don't know very much about surviving economically.
I'm getting by.
You're getting thin, is what you're getting.
Come on, Burt, there's coyotes out there eating better than you.
She made me look like Rambo.
I would never wear a bandana.
Yeah, well, she's dangerous with that computer of hers.
Come on, Burt. You have to play to your market's expectations.
Now, I've run the numbers.
The couple of times we had classes, everybody's loved them.
We've made money.
Look I... Burt, why are you so unhappy?
I'm not good with people.
Burt, just be yourself.
But not as bossy.
No, no, no, be bossier. That will make it really work.
And you won't just get the city slickers.
These bungee-jumping, river-rafting types will eat it up, Burt.
They're hungry for a live, authentic experience. You.
We lose the bandana.
Hey.
Jodi, are you ever gonna get a real air conditioner in here?
You ever gonna start dressing like you actually live in the desert?
Gummer. Mmm-hmm?
I, uh... I need to talk to you.
What, you ran out of people to annoy?
You know, I really don't appreciate your sarcasm, gummer.
Why do you keep coming back for more?
Those aren't free, you know.
A new graboid egg has hatched.
Impossible. We'd know the second anything moved.
Oh, no, not here.
In Arizona. Near some town called juniper.
Not entirely unexpected.
Scientists have felt for some time we're in a long-term hatching cycle.
Whatever.
The point is they already started turning into those shrieker things.
Those folks now have a real problem.
A huge problem. Problem we want you to solve.
We?
Yeah. Same deal as last time.
We provide equipment. Liability insurance. You get paid.
Roughly, you know, gs-7, prorated, of course, for the time on the job,
and any weapons you specify.
When they're snowboarding in hell.
Gummer!
Twitchell, why does it always have to be me?
Gummer, you can't just walk away.
Damn it, gummer, you cannot just walk away from this.
Well, what happened to the FBI, the national guard?
Actually, it comes under fish and wildlife.
They already have a man on site,
but my bosses know you're the go-to guy. So I have to deliver you.
News flash. Slavery was abolished in 1863.
You know, gummer, you don't hold all the cards here.
You could all suddenly find yourselves living down in bixby.
Is that a threat?
You live in El blanco's protected habitat because I let you.
You don't want me to start looking around for all the ways you may be
negatively affecting that environment, now do you?
Just try it, twitchell.
Whoa, whoa. Now, guys. Guys.
Let's all take a deep breath here.
Butt out, Tyler. Burt, chill.
Now, twitch, let's say once again we get your ass out of this little sling.
And you're, what, maybe letting in a few more tourists,
not riding Burt about putting in new seismo gear?
Oh, oh, I see. So it's sort of like
you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Okay.
Whose side are you on, anyway? Ours.
It's for all of us.
Unless you're dying to move to suburbia
and spend your golden years in one of Melvin's ranchette homes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't knock those.
They're very roomy, and they have central air conditioning.
Any gun I want?
Whoa, whoa. This time Burt's flying solo.
I'm not going. That wasn't the idea.
Listen. I saw how you handled gummer, okay?
The guy's a frigging bull in a China shop. He needs a handler.
So you're gonna go with him and make sure he doesn't, you know,
piss off the locals or blow up the place.
He'll never go for it, twitch. He doesn't have a choice. And neither do you.
Hey, twitch, I got a business to run. No deal.
Okay. I'll tell you what.
How about I recertify that little moonlight tour you want to do?
With permits for eight customers per tour.
Four. Six.
Five. Deal.
Knew he'd talk you into it.
Excuse me, I just made myself a sweet deal.
Oh, I'm sure. So long as you're going,
I'm really overdue for a sequel to my Burt gummer video,
so I'll cut you for 10% after costs. All right.
Juniper, Arizona, a town threatened...
You're not gonna do this the whole time, are you?
I made a deal with Jodi.
But you're being paid by the government.
Stop wasting their money,
I.E. Tax dollars, I.E. My money.
I. E? Yes, I. E!
Where are we meeting twitchell?
Clover park. It should be about a half mile straight ahead.
Park?
Yup. That's where he said everybody'll be.
This is ridiculous. This is no place for a meeting.
Depends on what you wanna meet.
The first thing is to connect to our satellite uplink.
Scan for heat signatures in the surrounding area.
Hi, guys. Welcome to pioneer days.
Most fun you can have in coconino county, I can tell you.
We're busy.
Uh, we're kind of on duty.
Oh, understood. George meadows.
Hey, listen, I'm selling tickets to the big softball game.
Three bucks each. Us against the pigeon rock pirates.
It's kind of a fundraiser.
Softball game? Are you people remotely concerned about the threat to this town?
Well, sure. The animals. Yeah.
Yeah, everybody's talking about it, and we're keeping an eye out.
I see. So you have some idea what's going on, but you'd rather play softball?
You gotta excuse Burt. He takes public safety very seriously.
I'll tell you what. We'll take a couple of those tickets. In fact, give me a half dozen.
Here, keep the change. Gee, thanks.
No problem, George. Glad to help out. Kick their butts.
Okay.
What? You done making friends?
Yeah, for now.
There. There. Two groups of them, six each. Not too bad if we move fast.
Burt. Tyler. Welcome to juniper.
Want you to meet officers rinks and Piper here.
They'll be providing local support for you. Uh-huh.
Mr. gummer, I read about you in the enquirer. I mean, if there's anything you need...
We're, uh... we're fine.
Uh, I mean, not like we got anything that you would want.
I mean, just our service nines and couple of old twelve-gauge pumps.
Hey, thanks, but we really gotta get moving. Nice meeting you guys.
Well, I'll just, uh... I'll just wait here. I'll, uh...
Gotta go talk to the mayor.
All right, we're getting close. Ought to see them any minute.
Oh, I grabbed a couple extra space blankets so they can't see us.
Don't need them.
Excuse me? Don't these things hunt by seeing our body heat?
In this case, we want them to see us. We're the bait.
There.
Run, honey, run!
They're right behind us!
Help. Conceal your body heat.
Get inside the house. All right.
Got 15, 20 seconds. Lock and load.
You take from the right, I got the left.
Let them come at you.
Bill mcclane, fish and wildlife service.
Tyler Reed. Burt gummer. We were asked to come down here and help out...
I know who you are, and i don't need your help.
Well, that ain't the way we hear it.
You've been here, what, almost two days and there's still shriekers alive.
You do need help.
Well, even if I did, it wouldn't be from a couple of redneck survivalists.
Hey, hang on. Let's be clear. He's the survivalist. I'm the redneck.
We have direct orders.
You were assigned by twitchell to keep his bosses off his back.
Now, listen. This isn't your little desert valley, friend.
You're in the real world here, and that calls for professionals,
not a couple of grown men playing army.
We're not playing at anything, friend.
Neither am I.
I'm here because I've hunted everything from cougars to grizzlies.
And just so there's no confusion, those shriekers are mine.
Knock yourself out.
And I advise full auto fire.
Shield your body heat as much as possible...
Or you can learn the hard way.
We just get fired?
Suits me. Guess we should let twitchell know.
We should check out some of that barbecue. Sure smelled good.
So you're talking about an arsenal, right?
Guns? Yeah, all kinds.
He's got them in a special gun room in his house just north of here.
Biggest collection in the county.
Oh, I'd love to get a look at it.
Uh, can you give me the address?
Burt, you're wasting the government's money,
I.E. Tax dollars, I.E. My money?
It's just the old Wilson place up finson road. 2302.
Excuse me. Hey, how are you?
You see, Burt? It pays to make friends.
Oh, check it out.
72 chevelle Malibu 396, thing of beauty.
But you've only got three men out there.
My understanding is these things are quite dangerous and we...
Take my word for it, mayor.
The team leader I brought in single-handedly wiped out
300 of these shriekers down in Argentina, okay?
Not to worry.
Excuse me.
What's going on? I mean, you guys can't be done already.
We got fired. What?
Your fish and wildlife guy, mcclane, seems to think he's in charge. Fine by me.
Man, that's a crock!
He knows my division has authority. Where the hell is he?
Right here.
Damn it, mcclane, we already hashed this out.
You can go back to your desk, twitchell.
Job's done. I took care of them.
Really? Mmm.
You got the whole other group?
Well, five of them.
Five? There were six.
I said I took care of them. Killed five, took one alive. To study in captivity.
Alive. That is not a good idea.
You know, I have a little experience handling dangerous animals.
It's safely locked up.
What is wrong with you people? You keep making the same mistakes.
You realize how powerful these things are?
They can rip through sheet metal.
Relax. I already called Phoenix to send down secure transport.
Till then, it's under guard.
Where? In that white building east of town.
It says kickers or kookers or something on it.
Oh, you mean klinkers.
Klinkers feed and grain.
Feed and grain. You arrogant sob.
Well, it went inside, I slammed the door. I didn't look inside.
They're hermaphroditic.
If you give them food, they multiply immediately, exponentially.
Yeah, I get it, damn it.
Those your men, twitchell? Uh, yeah.
Everything okay?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
They're just, uh, double-checking on something, you know.
Very thorough.
Pros.
Holy... how many do you think there are?
Depends on how much food they got.
Guess they don't act like cougars and grizzlies, do they, friend?
Where are they? I left them here to stand guard.
Piper? Rinks? Where are you?
Oh, my God.
That's no way to die.
They ripped up the damn engine.
They go for anything warm.
They're headed for town.
If we take this road here, we can cut them off.
Yeah. All right. Okay.
We take them out. We waste them.
Yeah, yeah, they're shaking in their boots.
Sir, excuse me. Excuse me, sir,
this is a restricted area. city property.
There's an unknown number of shriekers coming up the ravine right behind that building.
Get inside and hide your body heat.
Hide my... who the hell are you?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
They're still in one group.
Should be coming this way.
Same drill. Make yourself a target.
When they charge, do them.
Got one.
It's like a video game you can't turn off.
Burt, little freak tried to come up from behind.
What happened to frontal assault?
They get smart fast. They're spreading out.
Mcclane, be advised. Shriekers are changing tactics.
Yeah, I noticed. Little Turkey legs are running scared.
Negative. They're circling. I think they're trying a flanking maneuver.
Better fall back.
Let them come. Left, right and center.
I'll Swiss cheese the little mothers...
Poor son of a bitch didn't deserve this.
Okay, I'm not enjoying this anymore.
They change their tactics, we change ours.
I'll get above and you head back towards the truck.
We'll catch them in a crossfire.
I like the sound of that.
Oh, no.
Burt, little problem here. My gun's jammed.
Pull the bolt handle.
Did that. I can see the bullet stuck in there.
Damn, must've torn a rim.
I assume that means I'm screwed?
Coming as fast as I can.
I'm right here. Keep coming. Keep coming.
Your weapon!
We got ourselves a shriek-a-rama.
Good to go.
Let's rock and roll. Wait, hang on.
Come on. Hurry up.
Come on. Okay. Action.
Yes!
Slippery sobs. God, i hate a smart animal.
Unless it's a dog.
I'm out of ammo.
I am, too, except for the eagle.
Damn! I told twitchell 1,000 rounds wouldn't cut it.
You fellows done now?
We're done.
Where's that pipe go? The one where the dead shrieker is.
Storm drain overflow.
Runs a couple of Miles out to Davis creek. You know, by the fairgrounds.
Pioneer days?
Yeah. Whole town is there.
That's not good, is it?
We get to pioneer days,
we clear those people out of there as fast as we can.
What do we do about the shriekers? Throw rocks at them?
What did miss pioneer days tell us?
Besides she's got a boyfriend?
Wait, some guy's got a gun collection.
Damn right, and if we can find it...
It's a bad day in shriekerville.
Mmm-hmm.
Wait, Burt. Stop, stop!
What? What? What?
Let's split up.
I'll take that 396, go to the fairgrounds, get those people out of there.
Maybe I can stop up the other end of that pipe.
Good. Good. That's good.
Tyler. Yeah.
Watch yourself. You, too, Burt.
Hey.
Better take this.
You might need it.
I'm gonna get us a room full of guns. You might need it first.
Thanks, Burt.
Man, I'm really sorry about this.
And the blue ribbon goes to melody duggan for her doll collection.
Come on up, melody.
Mcclane, rinks and Piper? All of them?
You're supposed to be handling this.
Mcclane screwed up, okay?
Now focus here and help me,
or it's gonna get a whole lot worse.
Well, I better... I'll tell the mayor.
He better make an announcement.
Well, do that. I'm gonna round up some folks,
see if we can't block up that pipe. All right.
Let's go, guys. Let's go.
Somehow we gotta wedge this thing in here and tight. Keep it tight.
How about I back my pickup against it? Go for it.
And the government people are telling us that those animals we've been hearing about,
they may be headed this way.
Now, I want you all to stay calm.
Just walk to your car, go on home.
And hide your body heat.
Tyler, Burt here. I found finson road.
Think I'm close. Give me a sit rep. Over.
Burt, Tyler here. Shriekers are a no-show so far.
Trying to keep it that way. Little more, keep coming.
Tyler, you manage to seal that pipe outlet?
Step on it! Hurry it up! Let's go! Come on!
Oh!
Hold on! Hold on!
Tyler, damn... simple radio protocol.
Damn!
Tyler, get us out of here!
That's the plan.
Shoot some footage. Footage?
Here, shoot some footage. Take the lens cap off.
They're following us! That's the plan.
What do you mean, "the plan"?
Oh, God... oh, my...
Go faster! I don't wanna lose them.
What do you mean you... you don't?
Hello! Hello, anybody home?
Anybody home? Hello?
Burt. Burt, you there?
Got a little change of plan.
Burt here. Where the hell you been? You all right?
Sort of. Decided to bring the shriekers to you.
What?
Long story. They're kind of following us. Where are you?
I'm at the Wilson place, 2302 finson road.
Where the hell's that? Just east of treadwell.
Burt, I'm not reading a map. I need landmarks.
Got you. Do you one better.
Tyler, look up.
The guy operates on a whole other level.
I see it, Burt. Be right there.
Gonna let go of it right now.
They're coming! They're coming!
Get the guns! Where are the guns?
Almost there.
What is this place, frigging fort knox?
It's appropriate to keep your firearms secure.
Toss out some flares. Heat ought to bring them right to us.
Don't want them wandering off.
Burt, what about those guns? Good to go.
Yeah. All right!
All wrong.
Muskets. Civil war era single-shot, muzzle-loading caplocks.
1859 Springfield. 1862 whitneyville.
You mean, they're all the kind where you have to...
Yeah.
Run for it. They're gonna be coming any second.
We can't leave here. Those things multiply.
They'll spread all over town. It'll be a slaughter. Right, Burt?
Tyler, it's hopeless. Shriekers demand firepower.
There's no other way.
Saw those squealers chasing you. Been listening in.
Sounds like you boys are up against it. Need a hand?
Nice to see you, George.
Hey, Burt. All these guys,
I mean, couldn't we give each of them one of those old guns and... you know?
Three ranks. Volley fire. We might have a chance.
Sorry, guys. I'm out of here.
You got us into this, twitch. You are staying.
Burt, you get this organized. I'll bait the trap.
Come on. Let's get some weapons.
We need caps, ball, powder.
What? Oh, hey.
Hey, listen, uh, can I call you back?
I'm a little busy right here. Okay? Yeah.
Uh... no, no, not exactly. I mean, you know,
we haven't killed every single one of them. I mean...
We're in the process.
Right. Contained? Yeah. Yeah.
We're pretty much contained. I mean, you know.
We're just about, you know, pretty much... You know, completely contained. Yeah.
Uh... except for a few that we're in the process of rounding up right now.
Hey, hey. Relax. All right?
W. D. Twitchell is on the case. All right?
Holy freaking moly. I'll call you back.
Make sure you seat the charge firmly.
Bend that percussion cap a little so it doesn't fall off.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. First powder, then ball.
The other way nothing happens, then you get eaten.
A blunderbuss. It's got your name on it, Burt.
Form ranks. Four men each.
First rank kneels, second rank standing behind,
third rank standing behind in reserve.
Good, men.
The shriekers are coming! The shriekers are coming!
Hey, yo, revere, that's your piece.
What the hell do I do with this?
Point it that way, pull this little thingy.
Aim for center mass, fire by rank, fall back, reload as you go.
Tyler, twitchell, we fire last.
Try to give them a little extra time. Wait for my order.
First rank ready. Let them come.
Don't fire until you see the whites of their heat-seeking organs.
Fire!
Yes!
No amount of words can thank these brave men enough for what they've done for us.
But let the heroes speak for themselves.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
When I accepted this mission, i knew that it would be demanding,
dangerous, and, indeed, life or death.
That's why I did it. For you people. Thank you.
Shriek out. No.
All right. Okay. What about shrieker seeker?
Cold compresses are good for that.
You know, it looks really bad, Tyler. Does it hurt?
No, I can handle it.
I just let my guard down for a second and one of them sumbitches got to me.
I got it! I got it, Burt.
Shriek and destroy.
Catchy.
Well, that's about all the action...
Wait, wait. No. It looks like more action to me.
Vision of all things wonderful
is none other than miss pioneer days herself.
And we can certainly see why she's won this prestigious honor.
Hey, you little perv, checking out my girlfriend's goodies, aren't you?
No way. Just... oh, take a deep breath here.
Yeah, right.
Well, I never said the sumbitch that got to me was a shrieker.